My Fault

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I have “urgh” moments. From Monday, the “urgh” moment have increased to a stage that I feel the voices in my head are going to crawl out and take on a persona of themselves – meaning in a BODY, and beat you to death with your own arm ripped from your body.

You up and awake now?

WOW, yes, I don’t feel me, I don’t know this me… I fear this me. Who is this me? Have I not dealt with “her” over so many years already? Why is “she” back? What does she want to tell me, that I do not already know?

The fragile little ego’s out there will most probably read whatever they wish to read in the below.

For the last 15 years of my life, I have worked damn hard to overcome many experiences in my life. And if I say that many of those, I chose to engage with has ripped parts of me to pieces, others helped to heal – well, healing comes from being ripped to shreds too, and it was HARD.

I chose to invest in learning about the human reasoning – called – psychology, then silly little me ventured into another 18 months of hell helping my body to release whatever is still locked inside. JUST to be even more silly I decided to be a coach, call it life, spiritual, psychological…

I extended studies yesterday to complete the UK certification. Yeah – silly right? However, within these perceptions of reading and studying and being handed the little piece of paper stating well done Shuv, you made it… my “urgh” is building to a dangerous fire, one that will simply burn away whatever is in its path.

On a human, mundane level, I feel I have done whatever I could to assist the little person within me that feels all the hurt, the one I forget to take care of, just like you. The one that is also screaming for attention. My world is about listening, it is about reminding YOU that no matter what, things will be ok.

Yeah, I forgot about me. I speak of pots being empty, keep a little for yourself, remember you are only one person. Today, today is the day, these words really are hitting me like a ton of bricks. We joke about the bricks, but as I have worked in the building industry, I do know first-hand what the weight of those are and have seen what happens when the bricks or the pallet breaks carrying the weight.

In kindness I stipulated that I needed a tad of “silence” and will not be around until next week Monday – obviously there are peeps, that I will happily speak to, as I feel better afterwards. This morning, I truly feel as if I speak a foreign language. Oh, I hear you, perceptions, we are different, we see, feel, view, observe, experience everything differently… no need to tell me this, I have read from highly qualified professionals, this is the way it is, and it will not change.

I am here, being busy with all the “things” I have set aside, to accompany let’s say energy vamps, I have allowed to be sucked dry, and I am right now paying for it.

Be aware, be mindful, be kind – to yourself. Another brilliant lesson on repeat for me – and I hope your personalities are in cages, I would hate to be the one beaten with my own arm…

Now you may giggle as much as you need to, as I too sit with a smile on my face over the silly little thing I did not pay attentions to.

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