Greetings Beloved,
I wish I can plug my mind into an electronic device, in order to capture everything that is rambling in the mind. The ideas I have in my little bubble to speak about. And most days, as soon as I sit down in front of the white black page, it seems they have taken flight and gone into a place of hiding.
Moments like this I stand back and wonder if any of the thoughts, and the entire “write-up” I had from opening my eyes until now, had relevance. If the message was meant to be delivered. If any of the “I think this would be a great subject”, was or is worthy of being splashed across my page…
Repeatedly, I find myself not able to answer my own question.
I hear the Ravens calling outside, I listen to the Ibis and the cries of taking flight. I sit back and for a second crawl into my bubble that blocks the world outside out. I like it in there. It feels safe, it feels like home.
The courage to have ventured into something that in theory has been planned for almost a year, took place last week. I have shed parts of myself, drained, floored. Angry, sad, in pain, physically and emotionally. Within this experience I have realised that the things I feel I have worked through, still has an impact. People that I have sent off, yes, taken many years, in love, still has an impact on my soul.
Subconsciously there is still the pain, still the hurt, and still the anger. But mostly towards my higher self, or the mundane human experience.
My thoughts are, I have worked so hard in this world, to accept pieces of my broken soul, and make it look prettier in order to find peace. I masked things – again, subconsciously.
I find that there is nowhere to hide anymore, and the calming det=ranged thought, of why would I want to?
Why would I want to pretend, YES, WE ALL DO, that I am perfect and a happy bubble of something. Even stating in here, that many may see this as a CRY for “oh you are a wonderful person”, it is a no, a big NO.
From last week to now, I have found parts I thought lost, I have seen parts I thought fixed, I have experienced the rawness of hurt, I have touched the core of me.
The fear set in, the fear of getting completely lost int his world. Just stating it here, gives my tummy a knot, and I am breathing, and reminding myself that what is needed shall come, in time, when I am ready. It sounds so ridiculously simple, and here is my challenge – when the fear takes you over, sit back and see if the “words” of I shall have what I need when I am ready”, did it help? How many times did you have to say it?
And in the end, how are you feeling now?
