Huge week, big, gigantic in sensing, seeing and experiencing…
One day, while extending discipline towards my daughter, I saw a flicker of fear. Now, I am not one to tell another person how to raise their children, but if you are thus in tune with your child/children, surely you would and should sense all the different emotions they go though.
So, I am sharing – and maybe this will or not, hit a nerve. Beahnca showed fear – fear towards me. And as I was raised with fear, instead of respect, it hit hard. I never want her to be afraid of me. I calmed myself down, to the 20th time of asking something, and sat down next to her on the bed.
One simple question to my child, “Are you scared of me.” Preparing myself for the response. Her answer… “yes”.
From there I took the opportunity granted to have a conversation. Easy right? No, No one want to hear that are in the wrong, thus preparing myself.
I asked her, when, tell me when you are afraid of me. The answer… when you shout. I fear you when you shout, because you look scary. Now I may have shared this before, but hey, a repeat is neve a bad thing…
Opportunity!!! Gently asking questions, the conversation went as follows:
“Do you understand when I shout, I am tired of asking the same thing?”
“yes I do”
“Do you understand that all of us get angry, and I don’t like to shout, it upsets me too”
“No, I did not know that”
“Please, can you help me – please can you try and listen when I talk and ask you something?”
“Mommy, I will try”
“Then, we have come to an understanding and agreement, that you will listen, and I will not shout…”
In this house, we can have meltdowns, we can show emotion, we can be, human.
In this house, we aim for understanding, each other, the world around us, and when we cannot we ask questions. In this house, we prepare ourselves for the answer, because as I said, no wants to know they are not as perfect as they believe to be…
We apologise to each other, even the 6-year-old. We even apologise to her when we were wrong. We teach her, that what we need, is the same we give. We know that we are not perfect, and not ever do we pretend to be. We own, or try our best to hear, and accept the perception of the other without the blame game, or the emotional manipulation – sorry you feel this way, but because you did XYZ… we simply say, “I am sorry”.
We negotiate around each other. As above, could you help me. And with this teaching an impressionable young mind, that none of us perfect, and we all need help sometimes.
Yes, I do negotiate with my child, she must know that she has a voice, and her voice, no matter how young, does matter.