Simply Being Honest

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Beloved,

I sat last night starting to do my write up for today, however I think my scales are tilted in the wrong direction currently, because as I read it back to all the cats listening, it felt, and sounded very judgemental, aggressive and just plain bloody rude.

But that brings me to something someone – obviously – said a while ago – damn I have a memory like an elephant I tell you.

“You (me) are very “hard” with people. Maybe you should try a softer approach.”

MMMhhhh, now let me think about this quick. And let me share yet again a page from my book:

“I am 16 and working at the garage shop to earn money to purchase some goodies (female stuff) as the mother person refuses to do that. I am in high school, and learned to braid hair in every style those days, and charged R1 for that, and believe me – when I braid your hair, it stays like that for days… 😊

Now I am 18, I have successfully completed the assessment and evaluation for becoming a nature conservationist. I was the only female that received a placing with at that stage 500 males.

Sappi, refused to sponsor at that stage, as women did the first year, then maybe the second, there after left without completion, and they lost money. The mother person refused to assist with a student loan for me to go.

I started working in the retail industry. Washing windows as the cleaner, stuffing shoes, vacuuming – doing whatever it took. Keep in mind, at this stage, I was already “thrown” out of the house because I was an apparent embarrassment…

I am 21 now, assisting financially for two brothers. Helping with a rand or two to have new shoes, clothing, you name it… And, no darlings, they were never told. Brendon and I had a beautiful relationship, and years later he understood many things, and knew that many days, I went without to give to them.

My mom dies, my world collapses, and I leave the Eastern Cape, running to the place I said, I will never go to. Yeah, JOZI.

I sleep on the floor, on a mattress. With a cat. I have NO FURNITURE, no job, nothing and I know less than anything about the city that is so rof and onbeskof.

I am single – mostly alone, every month I buy something, until I have a flat full of furniture. I buy a house, no car sweethearts, I take taxis, and no – there is no money for a maxi taxi as it was called in those days, today it is Uber.

If there is no money for that taxi, I walk from Cresta to Auclandpark home and to work every day.

I meet people, have relationships, most don’t work out, and as said – life continues, and the only thing constant is change.

I struggle daily with forgiveness of leaving my brother – as you know he died ten years ago – and I still think, he was poisoned, as sitting at a dinner table with a mother telling you that, eat nicely darlings, you will not even know if I have poisoned you”.

I buy a car, and for many days go to bed hungry, go to work hungry… I treasured that little green dragon, as it was my FIRST CAR.

I study – in between everything happening around me…

I become qualified in many different fields, some of the studies that have taken 6 years to complete.

I survive cancer 3 times, rape twice, sexual abuse from age four, emotional abuse from said mother person. Physical abuse from two partners.

There are for obvious reasons some things left out – but my point this morning… Tell me the price of whom you are… tell me what you would whore yourself out for… and do not take any offense to this, as if it comes down to feeding my cats and that is the only thing to do – I would do it – judge me… not so much, as you never know what you would do in a situation that is needed for your survival.

But one thing I can say proudly – I have never sold my soul, or changed who I am… I simply became a better version of myself – and that I am the proudest of.

I may fall and bleed for a while, I may need to rest for a bit, I may need an ear at times… but I have realised, that very little can be trusted. And very few can show the care they speak of what they hold…

I am not JUST a strong woman…. I am Goddess incarnate… and for those in the last couple of days, thank you for reminding me of this, I am grateful, and I set you off on your journey with love.

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