Greetings from a very busy mind this morning.
We had a good weekend at the Edenvale Light and Joy fayre on Saturday, a bit of a system crash in the afternoon – been “fighting” the flu bug for some days and it got me! Yuk.
I have a phobia, interconnected within my being, besides all other phobias I have what is called “mythophobia”. Look it up – it is real. Lying, myth and stories – think I am making this up. I promise you I am not.
I do not walk around holding onto this particular “phobia” as strongly as I used to – and as I have always said, the way we react towards something is birthed from somewhere.
In the stages of healing, which I am proudly still doing, no matter how hard it gets some days, and how much I also want to run and bottle everything up – I don’t.
The forum I use may not be acceptable towards many, but I carefully select my words, focusing on the way I feel, and try my best not to implicate the other. What am I saying, I am telling you that it is ok to voice, how you feel comfortable?
This is no drama control factor, nor a cry for attention – or as I was told – being childish, as an adult would take it head-on and not make “assumptions”, well – in my world people should not lie.
Where did my phobia get birthed? In yonder days, it was called std 5 (now grade 7 I think), the last of the primary school, off to high school you go. I am sure that there had been many other factors contributing to this, however this stood out for most of my life.
My mother decided that it was ok to tell me I had failed std 5. The entire December holiday I cried, I was angry with myself for not studying harder, I was embarrassed, as all the “other” children was going to move on and I had to go and repeat the last year of primary school.
Eventually, as time passed I made peace with the fact that the failure was my own doing. I did not work hard enough to succeed in passing. I had to “woman” up and face the world again.
One week before school started I was “ready” in childmind to face the world again. It was ok to feel like I have failed – it took 5 weeks for me to get there, it was ok, and will be ok – I took responsibility.
Mind you, I never saw my school rapport – and what a surprise it was when I received a school uniform for high school a couple of days before the schools re-opened. When I questioned how it was possible, I was told that “she” – “the mother” had to beg to have me pushed through… get this – as I was an embarrassment for her.
For 5 weeks, I was left to believe I had failed. For 5 weeks I hid away from friends excited about there new venture because of my own constraints. For 5 weeks, I cried until acceptance came.
Every single person that knows me personally, has heard me say, I can take many things in life, but a lie, a lie to me is the worst. It has nothing to do with you as the person that had lied to me – it has everything to do with me. I am 12 years old again and wondering how I will face the world with the failure that lies within me. The failure to either have shown you that I will understand, or love you enough to be truthful, or questioning everything you have ever said to me.
I know people lie every day, a little lesser of information here, a little more blown up there. I know people cheat, and yes that is lying too. I know, and I understand that it is very real, and not always intended to hurt.
But when you have an opportunity to “come clean” take it. What ever you reasoning was – take it. Be truthful. You may irrevocably harm a friendship, relationship or partnership, at least you can walk away knowing that you tried to repair the damage.
If I say to you authentically, speaking my truth, in my personal evolution – because I have evolved, you may not agree, but it is not for you to tell what I have become, nor judge; a lie is known as abuse.
Walk in truth today, everyday no matter how hard it is. Accept the responsibility that comes form people angered with lies. Do not attack, but talk, doesn’t matter if they had to speak out and say something, unless your name is mentioned, no one will ever know it is you… but you.