“It is such a disappointment not to be able to use my own name. I have earned the right to own my words, my journey. I feel angry at the situation, denied what is mine by birth right – my name connected with my truth. Strange, so much of the journey has been a “naming” of shadows. And now I must place my own name back in the shadows….”
Profound, touching and saddening.
These are not my words, but a reflection of parts within me that at times lie shallow, and other times very deep. I wonder many times over, whom I am speaking to. Not the outside world, but the internal turmoil and what facet of my beautiful self is being either crucified, denied, or celebrated.
I remove myself from the experiences and touch them gently, as if holding a new-born, in love and with great care. Within that moment I find the emotions that wash over me, taking my breath, my consciousness, or my capacity for reason. The ability to differentiate between the feeling of something and the emotion that it flares up…. That is the journey. My journey.
The “normal” analytical mind that can process everyday happenings and find the solutions towards the goal in mind. Even through heart-ship and turmoil, brokenness and depression… the skill to understand the inner ME. You may ask me how I came to my answer and the journey I am on… Read those words again on the top. “and now I must place own name back in the shadows”.
I was not born to be in the shadow, I was born to light the path for another to know, that they can and should speak
what lies in their heart. Perceived as dramatic, over-bearing or as many say, an attention whore. Either way, the voice must be hear, even if just by yourself.
We speak about silence, and I will not venture down the road of using it as a weapon, or as a defence mechanism, however, what is silence? What is the use of being silent.
If any of you have been on a silent retreat, where there are no sounds but that of nature – you will know, the strangeness of the first two days, the awkward feeling and the restlessness in your vessel to SPEAK.
But sometimes words are considered useless. In my world, I have always maintained that one should speak, only within authenticity – not omitting anything, as my darling you can well enough just utter lies.
When one is truthful and see communication as a tool in sharing the emotions and feelings within, it is a greatness that can never be taken away. Be generous in the communication but know when to be silent.
One should often check for understanding on what is communicated, or be as said generous, in sharing that the words are not aimed at anyone specific, however shared in trust and in safety of the listener, staying on the situation – not the person, as that becomes a blame game…
When you have spoken your truth over and over… and the message is not received. Go silent. Go within. See what the situation is sparking within you. Is it you; your expectation, is it your selfish way of the concept on how the world should be? I ask yesterday what is it about us that we cannot accept another just the way they are… But can you accept yourself, in silence… just you, your thoughts, the good, the bad, the ugly. Can you scratch the surfaces of wounds or knock on doors nailed shut within you, and can you sit with what you find?
I have been silent for many years, silent on the history of my life, not sharing as I feared the branding of a rape survivor, an abused survivor… Once I allowed the first worlds to cross my lips in sharing, the heaviness in my heart lifted, and many found me within their own pain… as the understanding was there. Never do I proclaim that I KNOW how someone feels… I can understand, but I can never know. My silence towards that is the excavation of the authentic “feeling: of the speaker, that creates a deeper understanding…
But my silence has been coming for a while – I am still, here right? It is not meant to be taken literal. It is the silence of my soul.
Looking at each person, each situation, each experience, past or current… and allowing my beautiful SILENCE to guide me forward.
I know myself well, I know that I have different facades pertaining to my silence… Currently, a particular aspect is emotionally detaching. Within my silence…
Do not be afraid to sit in silence. Answers are found in the unspoken more than the spoken at times….