Good Morning,
Did I make it to a good morning? If you are halfway through your day, I hope your morning has been one filled with love and joy.
You know that song… “you say it best, when you say nothing at all”, yeah I know that is not the title, and no I don’t care much to know the artist as well. It popped in my head, as I am wondering of how many are like me… Sometimes verbal diarrhoea, sometimes, silence. And no, I don’t use silence as a weapon. I don’t do the whole, because you hurt me, “I will not speak to you” nonsense. I am speaking about silence of the soul. When there is not much to say as the words forming in your mind hurts in places you want to put on hold, and just rest.
Other times, verbal diarrhoea (word prefers this spelling), within all that speech how much are we saying, and how much is taken in by the person we are venting towards? I wonder.
The professionals have a beautiful structure on “communicating your feelings to someone” chapter. You can find this in any book on self-healing, or self-empowerment. I promise you, it is there. And all say pretty much the same.
The purpose of communication your feelings, means to let another know about how you feel about an action verbal or not.
The level of dealing with your feelings here is riskier than simply expressing how you feel towards a third party, or setting them down on paper.
When you let someone know how you feel towards him or her, you have the greatest likelihood of being able to work through or “complete” the “feeling” – in short, you can “be done” with it.
The other option is living in fear or anger toward someone for a long time, until you are able to voice, or communicate how you feel… Strangely, once you do, you no longer need to “hold” the feeling in secret or silence. Sometimes, the person you have feelings towards is no longer alive or available, in which case, you can write a letter.
There are two rules that normally stand out in the scriptures:
Be sure that the person you disclose your feelings to is WILLING to HEAR you OUT and LISTEN. You all do know that there is a difference between the two, right? Hearing and listening?
Secondly, avoid blaming or belittling the person you are addressing – this becomes a tough one, as anger is raging within you… I know. But find it within yourself to understand that should the emotional side of your being take over, you will not be able to give the correct information to the recipient and the message will be lost.
The first rule is important, as your feelings are an intimate part of who you are and deserves respect. If a person is not willing to listen to you, you will most probably walk away feeling dis-counted and misunderstood.
Your sadness, fear, or anger towards the person may even increase.
I teach people one rule, never speak in anger, never speak in your bedroom, ask the person to listen to you firstly, do not allow being interrupted, and make a time for this. Have an honesty hour once a week – where you can say how you feel, exactly how you feel, without fear of judgement. Do not “attack” the individual, as it is a behavioural issue and not a “personal” one. Does it make sense? You still love the person, but you do not like what they have done.
When you listen, your turn to listen, do not interrupt as well. Give your undivided attention, don’t offer advice, opinions or judgement…. Listen, silently and attentively. Observe, look at the action of the hands, the body, the face… the face will speak volumes. If you want to be heard, master the skill of listening. I tell my daughter we were made with ONE mouth, and TWO ears, meaning, listening is important a skill in today’s living, as within the silence of another you can hear the screaming best.
As I said, I love speaking, and I love listening. Not one is above the other in world. I love the intake of breath constructing the already formed words in the mind, and the expression of the whole person that comes alive while delivering the message.
People are complexed creatures. This is a fact, we sometimes say to a loved one; “I had a panic attack when you did not call-not that you would care, or You didn’t call when you said you would you jerk”.
How different does it feel when I say to you; “I am feeling angry, because you did not call when you said you would”.
To our female readers: “How dare you dance with her when you knew I would be humiliated, you don’t care how I feel!!!”
How is this… “I felt threatened when I saw you dancing with XYZ”
Or this: “How dare you talk to me like that knowing how vulnerable I am –
Or calmly stating; “I feel scared when you talk about leaving…”
No one can dictate a right or wrong way, but a little change in your wording makes an important difference. As I said, you are communicating, and sending a message, the message is clouded by many factors. We spoke about this months ago – And there is much truth in – It is not what you say… but how you say it. We do not attack people, we speak about a behaviour that is unacceptable for us.
Words are powerful tools, use them wisely – once they are out, they can never be taken back, no matter the times you apologise. They will stay in the recipients’ mind…. Forever.
