Voices in my Head

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Good Morning Beloved of the Universe,

I think this morning I should say those words out loud to myself. Remind the inner me that I too am a beloved of the universe.

Slightly a bit more human today, had a beautiful encounter with food poisoning, then to top it all, a lovely seizure last night. Yesterday reflected my inner turmoil to a tee. However, blessed that I could shed my tears in a safe space with another, not judging but listening.

We all need that right, that one person that will listen without judging, and just hold you or hug you when you need it. In the world of today, one is not always sure whom to speak to, and yeah, it is not just you. I have been burned as well with being so open and sharing, then finding out that the “weak spot” was used to staple me to a wall… Who to trust. But we will speak of that this morning.

I did not post yesterday, as I said, I think I would have made people feel so much worse for merely breathing, that I thought it best to stay away from scriptures. And a good thing for me at least, my fragile little inner being had a rest.

Funny how when one is feeling so low – and please do not run with band aids – everything that has ever been said or done making you feel like crap – comes to play in your mind.

Here is the difference between you and I, I know that those voices are there to come and haunt me, to make me feel even worse. Ok, I will give it to you, maybe you do. But have you considered that
those voices” are part of the stick you carry with you to beat yourself with.

Let me give you an example this morning – once again as always, a page from my book.

Growing up, and a refresher for those new to the web-site (I must remember to speak widely), I lovingly refer to my gran as my mom, and the mother person as the incubator, cold, plastic, urgh, you get it. (Some may say there is unresolved issues there, but meet me first before you go down that road, as I am smiling while typing)

I was left to wash dishes, clean the kitchen, scrub those pots until they shine, every night. That was part of my job. Yes you can say that every child should have chores, and I am not disagreeing with you. But there is a limit. So, I fetched milk from the farm – carrying a 5lt bucket every other day, no issue, I loved to watch the cows and their babies, walking with a song in my head, the “goodness” part of the milk run.

This was about 5 o’clock in the afternoon. And guys I did this throughout high-school.

Two brothers, that were treated with a packet of chips in the afternoon from school, and a sweet. Me, I got nothing. As you have read before, there was no way I was ever going to ask for that as well, just now I was going to be fed something until I threw up again.

The mother person will cook, and I had to clean the kitchen. Let us fill in some blanks, I was never invited to drive with the “family” when they visited somewhere, nor was I included in family holidays.

I had to do my own washing, as in her mind I am a skank and carry diseases.  Sometimes I was told that I could not use the shower or the bath, again as apparently in her mind, I carry disease.

I jump back to the top of the post this morning, funny how in the low of the mind, these things come out as if it was yesterday.

I woke up as normal this morning, walking down the passage, I hear the voice so very loud…

“You are so lazy and so messy, people will slide on shit from the front door to the back in your house one day.”

Why did this happen? It happened because I did walk pass, and on poo this morning. I have a paraplegic feline in the house. Simba cannot get himself in the sandbox, it is a poo on the go. Being in this fragile state, that horrid voice reverberated through my entire soul.

I do know that I am an organised individual, even that has been slipping for the last year. I forget stuff, overbook stuff, get sick more often than usual.

But oh gods, am I hard on myself… I still beat myself with that stick. That stick that made me feel worthless, a stain on a carpet, a smear on the wall.

I am speaking openly – as always – I pulled a card yesterday, from a sisters deck, I pulled the card of self-worth/selflove.

It becomes so easy to have the voice in my head rule the day, the voice that grows a hand and clutches the insides of my tummy so tightly that my breath cannot flow… My head becomes filled with nothingness, and I only hear that VOICE.

We all have some form of limitation, or do we? Do we allow the belief of limitation, as we were told to shine brighter than the KNOW of the NOW?

I think today will be set aside for some searching, to see how much hurt that voice still carries, and how hard that stick can hit me, still, today, so many years later. Or maybe I should silence that voice, tell it to f**&^k off, break that stick, then burn it. It is an impossible task, as conscious fights with subconscious, just like with you, daily.

From all this, I want to say to you, be at peace in the space you are in. Allow yourself to feel, even if you cry. We fall, we get up. At times a bit bruised and battered, wounds heal… and we carry on.

Within this last paragraph – therein lies the strength.

As always, be blessed may you have a wonderous weekend filled with love and joy.

We will see you on the flip side of the weekend.

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