We celebrated Samhain in the Southern Hemisphere yesterday, with a two-drop spit of rain, the night was blessed. This morning, it seems that the fridges were left open, as the icy fingers of winter is crawling around my legs, and the thoughts of hibernating very real in my mind…
As you have gathered I follow the path of the Ancient ones, thus following the path of Nature herself. I have wondered many times over how one can celebrate a new year in the coming of winter. But here is the thing… everything starts in darkness. Think about it, seeds germinate in the womb of earth… we start off in the darkness of the womb too. Does it then make sense, that to start anew, one must go back to a place of germinating. To do that, we start in the darkness again.
Today is not a lesson in the craft, nor about religion. Today we go back to the beginning as well. And we touch on parts within us, left to rest after we pulled the initial scab off over a year ago. Our group has grown in numbers, and so the website is having some beautiful interactions.
Yesterday I spoke about grief, pain and how society dictate the healing process. Today I take you back even further, and this is a very touchy subject for most. It was for me as well, for a very long time, but I have learned to adjust my logical mind to the emotional facet.
Let’s talk: Anger
How often have you watched a small child acting out in the shopping centres? How often have you stood watching a grown ups anger explode into something only “real” in movies. How often have you stood in judgement of that anger? Stood in judgement of the parent not being able to control their children. Don’t say you have not, we are not here to criticize or judge you. Believe me I have, many times over.
Today, I stand and wonder about that anger. I evaluate the severity of the anger. I watch, without judgement, the interactions to help either the child or the adult, deal with that anger. It came from somewhere. We are not born angry people, not one of us decide to go through life angry… Something happens in our worlds that caused the emotional high, and we need help to resolve the feeling.
Page from my book, here we go…
I have blocked so many things from my childhood out of my mind, that only now as a semi balanced adult I can venture into those chambers and see the situations for what they have been, and how it has shaped me to the woman I am today.
I am blessed to have had a granny that loved me enough to invest time, then to have a mother that was (is) as cruel as cruel can be.
Many days I would hide, I hid from the mother. Never showing any emotions around her. Tears got you in trouble, crying got you in trouble, and if you were happy about something, she would do her best to bring you down.
It made me angry.
Anger is a natural response to abuse (of any kind). There was no attention given to the outrage I felt within. Imagine being told that you have no right towards those feelings. As if you are but a mere extension of another. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS.
Imagine, telling YOURSELF that you have no right to feel anger towards anyone that abuse you… yeah, we do it everyday. We make excuses for someone else’s crappy behaviour… You know that thing we say – but he/she is not ALL bad…
I remember one day asking to have a soda-stream drink as well. The grown ups in the house were having one, and I simply asked if I could have one too.
BIG MISTAKE, HUGE BIG MISTAKE.
I was sat down at the table and made to drink soda-stream until I threw up. As I dared to ask if I could have some. You shaking your heads I know. But I promise you, this is truth, and so imprinted in my vessel, that to this day, besides that it is not healthy, I do not drink fizzy drinks.
I remember that they laughed, “com’on, drink faster, you want it, drink it”… no, I simply asked if I could have some. Either a yes or no, would have ended the request. Remember, I learned never to challenge in the house, ever… I think if I did, it would have cost me my life.
All that anger, welled up bubbled up, it turned into self-destructive behaviour.
I was a very angry and self-destructive person.
Being taught to blame myself, I stayed angry at the child I once was – the child who was vulnerable, who was injured, unable to protect herself, the one who needed love, affection and attention.
It has taken me over 40 years, to know, that the child within me, does not deserve my anger. I know how to direct my anger. Oh and by the way, this does not mean that I do not get angry, close to 7 months ago I had such anger towards another person, however lashed out towards those that love me. Yet another reminder, and another layer of conditioning removed successfully.
I have learned that, respect from a child does not mean or include fear. I have reached the balancing point of understanding, and more so allowing all those suppressed emotions to come out. To guard my mouth a little and be very aware of the impact suppressed anger can and does have on ALL of us.
The next time you see a child screaming and sobbing… do not judge. That child was me on the inside for a very long time.
May the first day of May, bring joy and happiness. May the darkness enfold you, and from there, may you birth that which will serve you in the months to come.