How We Love

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Greetings Wonderful world,

A world of wonder, and excitement, beauty and love.

May that be the same for you too. No matter what is happening around you, if you can hold onto these things, you will sure to walk through your day with joy.

I am struggling with a topic today. Yes, there are many things to speak about, and many things to share. But once this feeling is there, I wonder if the universe is not guiding my being to stand still and rather venture within. Or shall I rather have another cuppa and see where the fingers lead us?

I have walls of fame – my office is covered with pictures of family. Some I have never met, others I don’t know at all. Many that I have met, and no longer have a relationship with. One picture I treasure is one of my mom (granny) and her family. I never had the privilege to meet my grandfather. But when I look at the picture, my heart is filled with love and joy, as I see a man that was happy. It could be that it was for show, for the family portrait, who will ever know.

Brings me to what I will share with you today.

Mary Magdalene, yes, those where her names, had 17 children, of whom only 12 survived the birthing. This woman buried some of her children. And here is a piece of my family history. I had an uncle, named after Adolf Hitler. No jokes, I have the documents to prove this.

I am proud of my family line. Saddened that very few of the hundreds of cousins have no idea where they started, or where they came from. However, utterly grateful for the close proximity of an elderly woman growing up.

Shared from the lips of Mary Magdalene, she fell in love with the enemy. Both families opposed the wedding, or union, as both parties were branded unfit to become part of either families. I can well imagine in those days, Irish and German… sho, glad I was saved that, or rather, glad that if I did, I cannot remember.

Anyway, they landed in South Africa, blah, long story short – (to keep your brain in the same place I will make it easy and say gran) my gran shared stories of the time in South Africa, that I am sure, none of us know about. A time when she was thrown in a concentration camp, because she followed my grandfather, thinking he was having an affair. Poor man, I now think as with a wife and so many children, there was no way he had any time for extramural activities.

This is also not a trip down memory lane of days gone past, never to return. But who knows, we may see those depression years back on our doorstep sooner than we think.

I often wondered why my gran never remarried, as she spoke about men interested in espousing her again. I was in all honesty thinking they must have been crazy, taking on a woman with so many children, the financial burden not to mention the emotional stress that comes with it.

What she told me, or her reason for not remarrying, stuck in my head forever and a day.

She told me, that no matter the hard days and the struggles, she had someone supporting her every day. She told me that no man could ever take his place. No man could ever stand in his shoes. And no man could ever make her heart flutter like a teenage girl on her first crush. She was set in having a nice dress on late afternoon, hair combed, face with a tinge of blush… Always look welcoming she said, make sure, no matter what your day was like, you are happy to see your partner after that day has passed… (failing miserably!)

It is only in my later years that I paid attention to these “story tellings”, believe me I used to think she was bat shit crazy at most. And today, I wish I can sit with her again, listening to her roll of the tongue, and the sharing while brushing my long hair. I think she will be displeased with my short hair right now. Not to worry mom, we are growing it again!

I am sure that you all sit and wonder why I share the things I do – a wise man once said, if you can learn from others mistake, it means you have wisdom. But there is no mistake here.

A lesson in disguise I suppose.

How many of us, are this happy and content in our lives, our choices of partner? Do we constantly wish them different, more loving, less weak, more caring, less controlling?

It has taken a very long time for me to realize that love for a partner is such a holy union. One should be feeling, even in despair, loved, cherished, listened to, cared for. Have I found it? Yes, I have. For the last 7 years of my life, I have been happy. Believe me, it was not easy in the beginning. I was used to being alone, with my cats, my home my sanctuary, my life set in MY WAY. Many a day, I felt like running away. Asking myself the question, of what the hell have I done. Crucifying myself over the choice my heart made.

Until my heart and mind spoke the same language. I can say, I have never loved another. It sounds so cruel, but it is honest. I thought I loved them. I thought that if they could change, or I change we would have a future. You know as well as I do, that it doesn’t work that way.

It brought me to a core belief of, loving every aspect of the partner, not just the things that you benefit from. The good, the bad and the ugly, part and parcel of what makes us, who we are.

You know that I asked my husband to marry me? Yeah, I did. And no, it was not that I had been waiting for him to ask me, as we both voiced so proudly that we would NEVER marry ever again. Yeah, see, we both got burned the first time around. And sadly, we projected those feelings onto each other.

Is this about unconditional love, is it about knowing when you belong, to stake your claim, is it about keeping the memory alive of someone you loved so much that no one could ever fill their shoes… Who knows, I sure don’t. One thing in this Mercury turn 2018, I have learned to question less, accept more. Know when it is time to act and know when it is time to rest.

Life has provided a beautiful lesson too, when you love someone, love all the parts about them. Let them know that you care. Help when can, stand back when you must.

I am all emotional right now, knowing that the time of remembering the passing of this incredible woman is very near, I am choking on my tears… I keep her memory alive within me… and in truth, no one will be able to fill her shoes… ever.


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