A Mind of Memories

Good morning everybody,

Such a simple greeting this morning as I struggle between the metal taste in my mouth and the need to have tea. The joys of radiation I tell you. At least I smile about it… NOT.

I sat between worlds yesterday, remember I said that I was emotionally hi-jacked in the morning, and I still feel the need to share with you all today. Even if you think I have lost the plot completely and have an inability to move on, or a warped mind in not forgiving.

For years I have thought of the month of May being one of the worst, you may ask why, and I will answer. Many people or I feel that many cross over after the harvest of souls, addition the memories that torment one is insane, the winter that set in and the emotional roller-coaster that follows.

There I was, feeling very sorry for my own arse, driving to the hospital and having another shot (injection) of crap stuff needed but making me sick – *laughing* yeah, when we know something is going to be crap, why do it?

A message appear on my phone from an aunt – no names – telling me that I am in her thoughts a lot the last couple of days. Now, again, for any new peeps here, I am not close to the blood family, by choice, as I cannot stand the gossiping, the small mindedness, the always crucifying another instead of caring and showing it always. Enough about that.

For a moment, the anger took hold. I can share why. I lived with this person for a while. Yeah I was like a puppy, all cute handed off to one or the other family member, and in between all that abused. The memories flooded like a dam wall breaking with such force, I sat back for a moment and took long deep breaths. Trying to regain control, in stormy waters.

I remember, like yesterday what it felt like living in this house. Feeling as if I was dragged in by the cat, which by the way, is a terrible saying as I like what my cats drag in. Or something scrapped off someone’s shoe. Then there was the daughter that always had to outshine me, and if I was a little better at something, the tell-tale shit storm that followed just to ensure she is still in power and dominant. I remember being told that I have such a lot of baby fat – said so from an as-round-as-you-are-tall person… No body shaming, stating a fact.

The son that would sneak into my bed, doing the worst imaginable, and the uncle that will have me sit on his lap with his hand under my bum…

Yeah, those are the memories – harsh, hard but true. I am sure there are many good ones too, but my mind has decided to take these particular memories and store it as the only thing useful from the time living there.

I looked at this message, and remembering that I am an adult and should take responsibility for my actions, I chose to be polite.

Asking why she thinks I am on her mind. The asking her if she was ok.

Now the uncle person had died a couple of months ago, and you may tell me that I am not as evolved as I claim to be, and must work on the forgiveness nonsense, I have, I forgave my inner child for being violated, and forgave my inner child on feeling weak and always in the way and forgave my inner child for thinking that is what love looked like.

But him, oh hell f*ck no. When I received the message that he had died, my words were, good, may he burn in the eternal flames of Hades realm… *stomping foot three times* stoke that fire. We are not here to throw stones about religion, but claiming one is erm, that religion where all will burn if not in it, surely the part of children being innocent could not have been mis-read?

I struggled yesterday, burning to say that, do not tell me what a wonderful person he was, firstly, secondly, on how much you miss him and loved him.

But I did not. Not to her. She is not responsible for what he had done, I know that. From this experience yesterday, I know that there are beautiful wounds within me, that may never heal I guess. They will scab over, just to be opened with one message and bleed all over again.

In my mind I have said all these things I needed to say, but to her y words were comforting. I stated that I wished I could take her pain away. And that I am sorry that she is hurting so much. Then also wondered why pick me to text?

Something I discussed with my husband last night. And no, we found no answer. It could well be that the universe made me aware of the slumbering anger still within my soul. It could be that I am all of a sudden, a bit more aware of other people – not good for my peanut – or that it is time once again to venture within myself and take another layer away. Just one. One at a time. I have not done this in a while. And reading the guidance as a sign, it is time.

I spoke yesterday about the emotionality, and it is things like this that tills my scales in a downward spiral with such intensity that I cannot breathe.

I know I did the right thing, being aware of my emotional status while texting back and forth. I also know that this is proof that there is progress within me, not lashing out. Can I do without the reminders, oh yeah I can. But that will stagnate my soul in the evolutionary path it has chosen.

All I can say today, as from experience – do not crucify someone else for another’s failures or inflictions. Even if you can, and even if it is easy.

Knowing that you will hurt with intent should guide you towards self-evaluation.

Much love to you all, have a blessed day