Tick tock, tick tock it says… The clock with the long arms against the wall. The clock that is ticking off the years spent, not spent, learning, not learning… who knows.
From days of silence, and days of dark, here I am. Completely, or almost completely transformed into what I consider the new phase of me.
Staring into the mirror, seeing no longer the face that I once knew, changed and shaped… Ah, there you are, the you I have always known.
I had the choice today, and well, yesterday, to let myself down, to fall back to old habits, to find myself once again lost in the drama factors of others, to play by their rules, and allow the me, I have worked so hard on – to stand back and accept.
The eerie feeling of calm, where in the past I would have lost the plot, verbally spewing lava… I said nothing. I tried the polite approach towards stating my concerns, trying in hope to have the person on the other side understand that I have worked damn hard for whom I believe to be.
Only to be met with snippits and mis-understanding. Almost having me walk away feeling, as the words echo in my mind “no-one knew who I was a month or two ago”, now my name are on every person that are considered a someone’s lips… cheated.
For days, I have been mulling over a decision, for days the niggly feeling of “I should not be here”, and trying so hard to rationalise why, why am I feeling this way.
Most of re-post things that (hate the word if you must) resonate with us, we follow friends that we feel speak the same language… We surround ourselves with people that we believe have the same values, core traditions, only, to find ourselves out in the dark and the cold.
But for me this is ok. I have found myself many times over in darkness, and out in the cold. It has made me a stronger and more confidant individual. I preach about dancing to your drum, the heartbeat that is just like your fingerprint, unique.
Never once I have felt that my existence is or should be validated by another, why should I. Thus, in translation, it was “read” as being isolated… What the person missed, is that I am extremely selective in whom I share space with, and obviously, that niggly little feeling had truth.
I am me, an acquired taste, true to ME, my truth and my path. It is not the same as yours. Nor is yours the same as mine. The right people will always find you, however sad that individuals that are trying to establish a foundation, could not read or see past or try with questions in understanding what I tried to say, in my simple way.
Believe me, it made it so much easier to “walk-away”… loneliness is a choice, being alone is at times part of life, I am very happy with my circle that appreciate me as a weird individual, content in the fact that never once will EVERYONE like you, beautifully at peace, that the circus can now go on, without me being part of it as a conscious choice…
My point – do not settle, and if the mind cannot rest and the heart keeps asking questions, challenge yourself – Is this where you should be?
