Those voices in your head… those beautiful voices, that at times can drive you insane – if let them… they are not your voices, they are voices of people with sticks that beat you at one stage, and you still carry the stick with you… everyday beating yourself with it.
You don’t believe me? Let me tell you a story, a page from my “book”. I have carried a voice with me for most of my life, and at times, that voice come out to play, when I find myself tired, exhausted, and not able to “do the things I used to”. Work an 11-hour day, come home, cook, unpack cupboards, being busy with “a life”.
Looking at boxes that still stand around 6 moths later, and hearing this ridiculous voice coming out – “Your home will be so dirty one day, one would slide on the sh!t from the front door to the back”, that voice, I can honestly say I hate. She created within me the utter need for perfectionism. To a point that people felt uncomfortable in the clinical environment I created, everything in its place, nothing dirty, even with at stage 27 cats living with me… That voice drives me insane. I look at the “things” I did not get to in time, the things I have forgotten to buy, or do, and chastise myself for being “weak”.
There is another voice, one that I never though would have an impact, but it did… A voice that told me I purposefully make myself “unattractive” for my husband, a voice that told me that the universe is helping me cut cost by “insisting” my colony get sick and in so, having a lesser burden of food and vet bills. A voice that told me, I looked “unkept”.
All these voices that echo in the mind, when the need is for it to be calm and quiet – isn’t it just so shocking that these voices always echo, when you “cannot” get to something, or forgotten to change your pants – cause you have been running around with sick cats, or like me – walk around in pair of slippers most of the day – I like my feet covered up thank you… it has holes in already, and well-worn.
That stick. I gently remind myself, that unlike three years ago, I do have a “medical-condition” it is real, and it rules my life. It has me drained most days; it craves between 9-11 hours of sleep. It leaves me with little time to interact, nor having the desire to do so. In the end – I am tired, almost most of the day – no matter the amount of sleep.
I sit, and where I need the stillness of the mind, for the body to accept where it is currently, or the other way around, the body being still so that the mind can accept; this is where we are. It is then, that I too, battle the voices. They shout sometimes… they echo, they have me feel lesser of a person.
These battles are real, and most of us have them. Voices that belong to other people however subconscious decided, what you spoke is true. It takes time and self-love to deal with these voices, they don’t simply disappear overnight. They hold on like you know what to a blanket.
One thing I have learned, is to differentiate between MY OWN VOICE, and whom is shouting and placed on repeat in the mind. To find the source of the emotion that contributes to the “feelings”, therein lies the test. Who is speaking? Is it you that feel inferior, or guilty because you did not give your best… Is it you, that are calling or allowing those voices to “rule” a day, a chapter in your life?
I hear you, I hear you all, all those voices that contributed to the person I have become, those voices that have driven me to be a “perfectionist”, to those voices, I say – life is more important that unpacked boxes, or a spec of dirt on the table.
Telling someone you care, reaching out, talking and sharing, is more important – the dirt will be there again tomorrow, but the person needing your attention may not be.
A deep in thought day for me, and I suppose much needed, as we reach our new cycle in the great wheel of the planet we live on.
May your day be blessed
