Good Morning…
I have been staring yet again at this blank screen for hours, not knowing what to say. I had the idea of the conversation firmly in my mind at 6 this morning, but for some reason it is gone, just poof – gone.
That drove me to the books, and my desk is covered in books of all subjects this morning. As I spoke about the “letting go” yesterday, and hopefully gave you an idea of how much lies underneath the “letting go” phase, maybe I should explain to you, why people whom have suffered abuse has such a need for control. And let us be clear – any type of abuse, not just sexual in nature.
A survivor of abuse has difficulty compromising or relinquishing CONTROL.
If you know the history of the person, maybe your partner – it may seem as if they need to control everything: When you have sex, how you should raise the children, even down to the every day details of life – when and where you go out to eat, which movie to see, where to hang a picture on the wall.
Sometimes this control will be straight forward. Other times it will be indirect – for example, maintaining control through “moodiness” or preoccupation. Oh, I am a master at this, however very aware…
What are you dealing with here? You are up against a survival mechanism that has been absolutely essential. Growing up with abuse, by now as a grown-up – it is a firmly entrenched HABIT. But habits can change, with guidance, love and building trust.
This requires understanding. If any of you are working towards a balanced power equal relationship with a survivor of abuse, try hard for understanding the need for control. This person grew up being ABUSED by an adult who was out of control.
This survivor feels that it is CRUCIAL to stay in charge of their lives.
It is only when the survivor KNOWS that you understand the depth of the need for control that they will be able to – gradually – give it up.
Here is an expectation – expect things to go slowly but express your own needs as well.
An example: you can make it clear that you want the dynamic to shift but don’t expect to set all the terms. See, people do not understand when I say, an expectation should, by the law of the universe have a positive outcome.
If you need more time with your partner, say just that, instead of telling them that they are spending more time doing other stuff that with you.
Should the person be particularly controlling, it may help to ask them if they want or need to talk about what is going on.
There is a huge possibility that they are feeling powerless in another area of life, or frightened by a situation, thus the need for control flares up again. Strongly.
It often helps to simply recognize and talk about FEARS.
Letting go, is to fear less, and love more…
