My small, or rather big heart.
For a while I have been sitting and wondering about the reasoning behind some lessons in this world. Let’s recap. Molestation, rape, narcissistic relationships, abusive working environments. Fake friends, cheaters, death….
Don’t worry, I am not handing you a reason to be depressed today – I am in a *wondering* mode. And maybe that travelling extends to the crevasse of the deep subconscious.
Just my rambling mind today, and I hope it hands you a little spark of light in the darkness that may surround you.
How often have asked the question why me? If I had one rand for those words in the past I think I would have been rich in terms of money. I have tried my best not to have those words cross my lips in the last couple of months. I did say cross my lips – I still must control this other person in my head saying it… 😊
For years I have been surrounded by the abused, either human or animal. I will take in a cat or dog, on deaths door, nurse it back to life, only to stand by a cold metal table and having to say goodbye. I have done the same for humans, some may disagree to my methods, as I would take you only thus far, then the “expectation” would be for you to use the panga (huge knife/weapon) given and claw and cut your way through “life”.
Today it dawned on me, that in my “weakness” there is so much strength. Unbelievable strength, to stand and make those choices, to let go, to cut another off to find their own way in the maze of life, takes strength. And guess what… I have it.
Years ago, I had an outbreak in the home I kept for the cats – yeah – my passion, fool that I am 😊
I had to say goodbye to one after the other, angry and broken. This year I stood there again. Today I think on the time that they spent with me. The love that was handed unconditionally, and the acceptance of their own unique personalities.
There is no difference between the humans or the animals for me, I extend the same towards all. I think of my baby stormy that arrived here so sickly, and his sister that basically died in my arms, a short breath from saying goodbye, and I travel in the mind thinking, why in heavens name they chose to stay, as well, there were 4, Storm and his sibling were the ones to climb on me and stay. No easy ride it had been. They had coccidia and was in hospital for days. Nursed back to life, healthy, only to become sickly and crossing the bridge, despite all the love, all the care and all the healing…
Storm was no “special” one, there had been Sabrina and Selena, Sabrina developed an obstruction in her intestines, after weeks of hospitals again, she was home, only to find that the cursed problem had returned and that she will not make the operation as it has only been done once before. Believe me when I say, we don’t give up – we even don’t give up when we should…
Selena, then had Giardia, following in her sister’s footsteps a year later… There was Odin, that no one wanted to touch, and said he was so ugly as he was one sore from the tip of his tail to his nose…. And anyone that has ever met him, knows he carried a presence like no other… When he was healed, he was beautiful, however in that “ugly” phase of hissing and spitting at everyone, he allowed me to touch him, take him to the vet and love him….
Venus that travelled from the coast to Johannesburg with me, had leukaemia… Nikita that crawled out the cage in the pet shop, had kidney failure and severely anaemic…
Einstein had feline aids and was just left by his “people” and I had to pick this almost lifeless bundle up and stand for the last journey home… I can name them here, not so much the humans, but in reading… you know who you are.
I lost Diana, she given 6 months to live, and she reached the ripe age of 8… Diana was a full on “down” syndrome, I kid you not. Struggling with repeating nasal infection, antibiotics, she finally came to rest as well.
Looking at all these amazing felines, and humans that have taught me so much in my life, I am grateful for my strong but weak heart. Being honest in saying I did not like the lessons from the humans so much is truth, as we have reason and that thing called a conscience…. Well, maybe not all of us.
Today, I celebrate my heart, my own unique ability to have the strength, the ability to make the choices, albeit soul shattering… I celebrate the warmth that has become part of me, the ability to always bounce back, and the beauty that is able to shine through because of my life. To understand others pain, and to be there no matter what.
Twenty-three years in saving every broken winged human and broken winged animal. Has it changed me, yes it has, in ways I cannot imagine describing. The humans have taught me to be selective in trusting. The animals have shown me that I am special. Each person that have ever crossed my threshold, always returned, even years later. The loss of each animal has cracked me open even more, helping me evolve… to save more broken winged creatures of this earth…
Maybe I am a stepping stone… either helping you cross the bridge in love, or for you to reach your potential… either way, today I celebrate my heart.
