Stairway to Heaven

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Greetings beautiful and courageous Earth visitors,

I truly hope that your weekend had been one of giving, caring and loving. We had our Samhain celebration on Saturday, what a night! Even with some physical pains (just to remind me that I am alive) I enjoyed the company, and the sharing so much. Thank you to everyone that joined us, contributing to the feeling of belonging.

Believe me when I say, the saying of “hell freezes over” is not to be taken lightly. It was damn cold opening that portal. We said what we needed, we asked what we needed, and I hope that many walked away with some form of closure and peace.

This morning I was faced with a song that was played for me after my brother died over ten years ago. I shared it with people I thought needed to listen to the words. I know it made them sad, and overly emotional, so it did me too. I hear the voice in my head that the god(dess) have us cry to place a rainbow in our hearts, and how else will you water the garden you have made part in your soul for those that have crossed over.

It brings me to this mornings discussion. I have my view point, and so do. Many people say that there is a limit on the grieving period, like in the old days you had to wear black to show you are grieving, or a band around your arm, or some “token” so others can see you have lost someone.

Me, I believe there is no time span on grief. And now I have many sitting on the edges of the seats, if you anything like me, having an argument with what you read – go for it. I am not here to change your mind.

Some of us never get out of the grieving phase, some of us cry all the time, you may not see the tears, but we cry. We cry for the times we “lost”, we cry over the things we should have said. We cry over things we should NOT have said. We cry over the person that have vacated the premises, and we are left behind. You get the point, we cry. And no amount of time, will change that.

My personal opinion, I believe you only learn to move on without the person. I will agree with you, that in time it does get a little easier, you no longer choke up over a song, a flower, a dream… It gets a little easier every day, or it may not.

Society has determined that there are steps to be taken to “get you through” the grieving process. I shit you not, you can find books on this, and people actually buy this in order to help them with the grieving process.

Grieving loss, is personal. No one in this world can tell you, when you should stop, no one can ever dictate when you should ‘move on’. Itsnt it just so bloody ridiculous, think about it. A robot that is told eat, breathe, poop, talk… NO.

Here is another secret to share, counsellors, grief counsellors, psychologists, all those, they cant tell you what to do either, and I can birth barb-wire when someone tell me “I know exactly how you feel.”

No, you don’t. You cannot. Ever. Know. How. I. Feel.

You can understand the emotional turmoil, ONLY if you have had a similar experience. But that is all. Simple understanding.

And before you stone me this morning, please remember I help people journey too, so I am well aware of the ‘steps’… I have used such “steps” in my own world. If they have worked for you, happiness, if not, darling, understand that you will know when you are ready to have someone place little pebbles down for you – and whether you are interested in picking them up.

When my mom (granny) died, my entire world collapsed. It was a downward spiral I don’t wish on my worst enemy… I wanted to self-destruct. I literally stopped eating. I remember the mother person sitting with physical money in her hand, paying me to eat. I am a tall lass, I weighed less than 50kg… a skeleton walking. Even the psychologist at the time said, there is nothing he can do – I want to die, and I have chosen to do it by conscious starvation. He was right about one thing, I wanted to die.

I was so angry, how dare she leave me, how dare she leave me alone. I was sad and angry all the time. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to wake up. I was hurting all over… I wanted it all to end. My entire world was turned upside down. My foundation ripped out from beneath me. You know what was the worst? The guilt, the guilt of not seeing her, the same day she died. I thought I had time.

It had been the same with my brother. He called me in the middle of the night on a Friday. Long day at work, with a grumpy wife bitching about the call – I did not answer thinking that I will call him on the Saturday, I forgot… The Monday I was notified, in the most horrific way that he had died in his sleep…

Are you feeling me yet? I can go into lengthy explanations on my internal being, sitting and telling you this. How I feel right now, voicing this to the world. But my point is, I can still cry, and I do cry, everyday – inside. There is no limit on your grief.

It is because the “world” expect us to carry, after a traumatic experience, that we do not have the “time” for sorrow, to get the worst out. To feel nothing, and everything all at once. To fall apart and put ourselves back together again… In our own time. As we want to, as we see fit.

With the ringing of the words… “life goes on”….

I bid you a blessed Hallows Eve, may you journey with those whom have crossed over. Blessed Esbat, may She shine Her light for you tonight…

And for a short time, may you walk hand in hand again, with those that mattered more than life itself at times…

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